2026
In an effort to research and explore the expression -- or rather lack of expression -- of anger, I turned to rocks.
I used my body in repetitious acts and rituals to process what feels like an unfeasible emotion to metabolize in my body currently.
I went on "rock walks", a dedicated time to be outside whether it was sunny, rainy, snowy; whether I was with a friend or alone, I walked, collected rocks, tuned into my surroundings and myself in relation to them.
Using my two hand drills, I drilled into each rock. Some were too small and porous and were crushed by the power of the drills. Some were very defiant and wouldn't let me get through. The drilling was loud and I took up space with that loudness. At the time, I hadn't screamed in about a decade. I was letting my drills scream for me. I would also trying to scream with my actual voice while drilling, but still wasn't able to.
I cleanly drilled through about 200 rocks that I then stitched using clothesline with square stitches and a take on pearl stitches. I then wore and carried the stitched rocks everywhere with me for about a week. They weighed about 22 lb. I thought carrying all of this extra weight would make me angry enough to explode, but it made me softer. It made me notice others checking in on me with this self imposed weight when we are all carrying heavy weights with us. And then it made me tired and adjust my whole routine around it instead of the people I wanted to be around, and that upset me.
I asked my friend if they would want to throw my rocks with me. I carried my rocks to a field where we ended up throwing them for 25 minutes. I threw them, they threw them, we threw them together. I felt myself throw my body in order to launch the bundle of rocks into the air. They crashed back into earth -- small rocks against giant rock -- and were thrown again and again, some times a rock or two lighter than before.
Frames of the video of that exertion were turned into the installation what do we do with it?
I have been experimenting with integrating the architecture of windows within my work. Are we looking at what's on the window? Are we looking at the window itself? Are we looking past the window to the outside/inside? Are we looking at our reflections in the window?
The public act of the exertion and of the interaction with the installation call to question our expectations and understandings of what is considered "appropriate", who has the privilege of processing our emotions int he privacy of our homes, how we care for ourselves, and collective care.
I run back and forth in and out of the frame throwing the weight I carried and by collecting the information frame by frame, you move back and forth with me. Together we repeatedly move our bodies back and forth and back and forth and back and forth as we search.
what do we do with it? -- the installation in the windows pictured below -- is one part of the larger body of research, embodiment, and creation described above.
the weight of it all
our bodies / our minds / our hearts
carry the weight of it all
our bodies / our minds / our hearts
carry the weight of it all
what happens with it?
does it smooth out? does it get pushed to the corner? under the rug?
does it pull everything down with it?
does it build?
does it crash?
does it drive?
does it consume?
does it hurt? who does it hurt?
does it smooth out? does it get pushed to the corner? under the rug?
does it pull everything down with it?
does it build?
does it crash?
does it drive?
does it consume?
does it hurt? who does it hurt?
what do we do with it?
